Childhood Social Interactions
by Paul Ries, LCSW, LIMHP
Lincoln, Kids! Newspaper - May '09 - July '09

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What is going on with all these arguments and posturing that you see on the playground? We’ve all heard, seen it and remember it. Children arguing about which action figure is more powerful or which quarterback can lead their team to victory, cliques being formed or who has the latest style. It has been going on for ages and will continue to persist into the future. These social interactions are a normal, healthy and necessary component in child development. Now before anyone blows a gasket I need to clarify, I am not a proponent of bullying. That is a whole other topic.

What I am stating is that assertive conflict is a good thing. Parents need to assist their children to develop conflict resolutions skills in preparation for the pressures they will experience through middle school, high school and beyond. Children who are able to stand up for and surround themselves with a strong support will have a strong identity, increased confidence and good empathy skills. Children, who can support their position, think independently and understand others points of view will be more empowered. Children who are successful with these skills are also more likely to be looked up to by their peers. It also goes to reason that children with these skills and supports are less likely to be victimized by bullies or succumb to dangerous peer pressures or be the bullies themselves.

The more opportunities children have to use and observe these skills the more adept they will become at implementation when needed. I can’t tell you how many times in my practice children can’t remember a time that their parents had a disagreement or how many parents tell me that they don’t fight in front of their children. The family is the primary place where children learn most of their basic social and relationship skills. How can we expect our children to stand up for themselves if it is never modeled for them? Conversely we also can’t expect a child to use appropriate conflict resolutions skills if they are exposed to name calling, gender stereotypes, intimidation or physical violence. I’m not saying that we air out our intimacy issues but children need some model to base these skills upon.

There are some simple things that parents can do to assist their children with these skills. First of all get yourself into the right mindset. You do not need to hover over children while they are playing waiting for that teachable moment. Sometimes it is appropriate to step in with guidance then step back and let them work it out. Obviously, younger children may need more guidance than older children as would children trying to build new skills or those with anger problems. The idea here is to practice these skills at home or in another safe setting, show your child you believe in them by stepping back then processing at a later time.

Help your child to learn about the cues that there is a conflict. Help them to learn that sometimes when they are in conflict that their body may show them by their heart speeding up, their muscles getting tense or their stomach feeling funny. Also help them to learn how others show that they are getting mad. For example they might have a red face, they might be trying to make themselves bigger or their voices rise. Talk to them about reminding themselves to stay calm and listen to the other person. Let them know that it is ok to disagree but they will have to wait their turn to do this.

Teach your child that everyone has a right to say what he or she thinks or feels as long as it is not abusive or intimidating. Teach them to take turns when telling their side of the story. Help them to focus upon listening to the other by looking at them, remaining quiet and then politely repeating what the other person has said.

Help them to learn about delivering their message by speaking for themselves. Using I statements (i.e., “I don’t like it when people are excluded lets decide how to give everyone a turn.”) Let them know that it is polite to speak calmly, wait their turn and have a pleasant look on their face.

Remember that sometimes children don’t need to find a resolution to their conflict. Sometimes they are just arguing for the sake of arguing. Adults do the same thing. We take positions about politics, sporting events, music styles etc. It may be inappropriate to expect children to find a middle ground or a compromise to every disagreement. Sometimes the task is to learn to express themselves and support their opinion.

If your child seems stuck in the disagreement part and there does appear to be a need for some resolution remind them to move to this step. Allow them to come up with their own ideas. If they’re having trouble with this ask open-ended questions like, “I wonder how you guys will work this out?” Even if your child’s suggestion is I play every time don’t jump in. Children will discard unfair ideas if given enough time to think and talk them through

Praise your child on their efforts and success in these social situations. Let them know how proud you are of them. Remind them that by acting so responsible and respectful that it is easier for you to trust them. You might also want to ask them to tell you about how that experience was for them.

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